Friday, February 28, 2014

NFL by the Numbers: 63


Sixty-three is the amount of time in minutes that Scott and I feigned cheerfulness and an “I got this” attitude while attending a private bowling party hosted by the Detroit Lions during alumni weekend. (Alumni weekend is basically like an annual homecoming of sorts for retired Lions players; other NFL teams do the same.) The Lions rented out the ever popular Garden Bowl in downtown Detroit for an evening of bowling and great food – and the event itself was a blast. Even though Scott and I aren’t bowlers, we decided to use the event as a night out, which we so desperately needed.

The problem is that we brought the kids, which totally defeated the purpose, and, in short, made the night a royal pain in the you-know-what.

The invitation characterized the event as family-friendly, yes; and I think the organizers wanted to attract the younger set. But by younger, in retrospect, I think they meant retirees like Scott who are under the age of 50 -- or perhaps their offspring who are approaching the teen years; not younger as in those who require diapers and/or pacifiers. But I was five weeks postpartum; and, dammit, I needed an excuse to leave the house. Any excuse. And I had a custom-made Honolulu blue tutu for Kennedy and everything.

Oh, yes. We were going to this party.

I encountered the night’s first speed bump when I realized Kennedy was hungry. I had my hooter hider at the ready, but trying to balance Kennedy on my knee and my backside on a bar stool? I’m a yoga instructor, not a contortionist, so I grabbed my Clorox wipes and headed for the restroom. For the next 15 or so minutes, I sat on the toilet and nursed Kennedy while reading obscure phone numbers and cryptic graffiti, both of which were juxtaposed with sentences like Jesus loves you and To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

When Kennedy and I rejoin Scott and Scotty at our table, we find ourselves a stone’s throw away from the right-hand man to this gentleman:
He is Roger Goodell. But he’s not a big deal or anything, though. Mr. Goodell is ONLY the COMMISSIONER of the NFL.

And, what do you know? It is now that Scotty grows tired of being cooped up in the stroller. It’s obvious that he’s trying to make a break for it so he can embarrass us by runing up and down the alley like a wild banshee. So I did the only thing I could: start doling out dum-dum suckers. I just wanted to keep the lid on a potentially explosive situation.

Thankfully, I evaded a Grade A meltdown, but I suffered the consequences in another way. Remember that Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode when Carlton Banks got high on speed and danced crazily at the prom? Well, after consuming 30 grams of sugar in mere seconds, Scotty became Carlton’s mini-me. (Look at his blurred face in the above photo; he couldn’t even sit still for one second.) I’m literally thanking my lucky stars that one of Scotty’s lollipops didn’t end up sticking to a party-goer's pant leg.

The final highlight of the evening involved my nostrils being accosted by the smell of poop during the car ride home. (Through the process of elimination – pun intended – I knew Scott and I weren’t to blame, so the offender had to be either Thing 1 or Thing 2 in the backseat (and Thing 2 is breastfed, so her poop doesn’t even stink yet).

I’m not going to call the night a total headache. (Cough, cough, but it was a total headache.) I mean, it was awesome reconnecting with Scott’s former teammates and mingling with NFL insiders, but those moments of reprieve were short-lived because it’s kind of hard to carry on an adult conversation when you’re flinging a burp cloth over your shoulder or trying to contain a man child in an umbrella stroller. Oh, sure, Scott and I can laugh about all this now, and I reckon it will become even funnier as time passes. But, to be clear, I’ve learned my lesson.

There ain’t no way in H-E-double-hockey-sticks I’m going through that again...

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20 comments:

  1. WHOAH HOLD UP. Do you have more information on this pay thing that Facebook is making us do?! What is that BS. I'm reading you via BlogLovin', but this news does make me wonder if that's why I never see my fan page posts...

    Anywho. Love this post, it makes me SO EXCITED for when Tycho is a toddler and we can hop him up on sugar in the hopes that he stays still for parties such as this. ;)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yup. That is *exactly* why you haven't been seeing possibly most of your fan pages. Take a look at the Admin Panel of your blog page...see those buttons that say "boost post"? Go ahead, click on one. You will then see monetary options you will have to pay so that your post will achieve "maximum" reach. It's not enough that 99% of the world is on FB. No, they want us to pay through the nose, too...

      And, oh, yes, fun times await for families with a rambunctious toddler. ;-)

      Delete
    2. Ughhhh, I've seen that before, but it didn't occur to me that that's what's keeping readers away. BOO! I might have to post the same disclaimer. :(

      I'm so excited, haha. There's a part of me that dreads it and another part that is looking forward to how insane it's going to be!

      Delete
    3. LOL Honestly, I look at this as far, FAR worse than keeping readers away...when you say "keeping readers away," there is an implication that readers are making a choice, when, in fact, they are not. Facebook is filtering their content *for them.*

      This ain't good.

      Delete
  2. I left FB about two years ago and never looked back...Now about you taking the little ones with you for a much needed night out...smh lol defeated purpose is right. :) hope next time you make other arrangements :) too funny nostrils n poop lol

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    1. You are my idol for leaving FB. Seriously, I'm about to throw my hands up, actually. I'm late to the party anyway -- before launching this blog, I wasn't even on it, and didn't even have a personal page. (I just didn't have the time; and I still don't!)

      And, yes, thank the Lord above, we have arrangements in place for the next night out.

      Thank you for commenting!

      Delete
  3. That has all the hallmarks of a sit-com episode! I certainly hope you have the name of a good sitter/nanny company by now and can go out on a date night now and then. :)

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    1. Hi, Lexa! Well, I certainly felt like I was in the midst of some kind of episode; that's for sure. Like I said, Scott and I can laugh about it now. But then? Nah. Not so much.

      And, oh yes, trust me: That was the last time Thing 1 and Thing 2 tagged along for a Mommy/Daddy night out! LOL

      Thank you, as always, for commenting. I LOVE reading your words. :-)

      Delete
  4. Hi, I just stumbled across your blog and I love all your posts and tips :) Sorry to hear about the Facebook-pay thing...but I will definitely subscribe! :)
    I would love if you could visit my blog at www.littlepandacrafts.blogspot.com
    Thank you! :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hi, MJ! Welcome...and thank you for not only stopping by, but commenting! I REALLY appreciate it. Yeah, I'm not "liking" FB right now. Grrrrrr.

      I would love to visit your blog and will do so tonight! Have an awesome weekend. :-)

      Delete
  5. LOL! This post brings up so much memories of Marcus and I giving our daughters candy to keep them quiet. LOL!


    Also with Facebook, try using Hashtags like Twitter. It has helped me some to get traffic from Facebook and people that were not even my fans seen my post because of the hashtag. Have a great weekend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Louida! There you go, once again with your stellar wisdom: THANK YOU. So I use it (the hashtag) *just* like I would on Twitter? Wow. I will most certainly try that. (I don't get how that will make people find me on FB, though...do people search hashtags on FB?) #IAmSoGreenToThis

      Delete
  6. I loved when Carton danced on Fresh Prince! I admire you for even wanting to leave the house 5 weeks after giving birth. I liked hiding in my shell or maybe going out, but only to a store or something where no one knew me. You get points for even going.My kids have still never been to a bowling alley for fear of one of them dropping a ball on their foot and the other ending up in the gutter.

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    1. Thank you, Susan. In retrospect, I can't believe I wanted to go. (You should have seen the atrocity -- err -- blue jeans I wore that night. Thank God I was the only one taking photos and there are none of me that someone could use as blackmail later.

      Oh, and yes, there were SEVERAL near-mishaps with Scotty and the bowling balls. I'm not even going to go there. Let's just say your fears are well-founded, and we will not be going to a bowling alley for a long, long while.

      Delete
  7. This is why you crack me up. Oh, what did I do today? Just raised kids, took care of the whole house, breastfed within the proximity of the commissioner of the NFL. All in a day's work. You're awesome. Don't let anyone ever tell you different.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I need to print your comment onto one of those daily affirmation calendars. Thank you, Paige. I swear, your comment came at precisely the right time: I am barreling up the basement steps with a basket of fresh wash...Kennedy is screaming her face off through the intercom, and the water for Scotty's mac & cheese is boiling over on the stove.

      Where's the gin, I ask you? Where. Is. The. Gin.

      Delete
  8. LOL! Well this definitely sounds like something out of a sitcom! When my son was a couple of months old, my husband had an awards ceremony for work. I decided to bring the kiddo and then ended up spending almost the entire ceremony outside in the hallway because Tucker was having none of hanging out peacefully, even with candy. You totally crack me up, Courtney!! Sorry your outing was not quite, um, glamorous, even though you were hanging out with the NFL bigwigs!! :D

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    1. Well, Kristi, I must say that you win by a nose because, I'm guessing that you were well-dressed and put together at your husband's ceremony. I, on the other hand, had on a pair of jeans so hideous they should have been illegal, but, 'eh, they were the only ones that fit at the time -- and that was with my belly band. *That* is how bad I needed to leave the house. (smh)

      Delete
  9. Wow this post brought me back!!! Though I will say that I never nursed my baby within a stones throw of the NFL commissioner!! I love how you keep it so real!! Thanks for a fun read!

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    1. Oh, Kathy I was simply trying to hold it all together. It was bad. Very bad. We already stuck out at the event like a sore thumb anyway, what with our bevy of kiddie "stuff"...

      Never again. Do you hear me??? Never. Again.

      Thank you for commenting. :-)

      Delete

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