Monday, September 8, 2014

A man and his underwear: It's an ugly thing.

I have tried to understand, Lord knows I have, but I can't figure it out. And there's no gentle way to ask, so I'm just going to cut to the chase.

What is it with men and the condition -- or lack thereof -- of their underwear? Why is it that a man's underwear can develop more holes than a badminton racket, but men are, apparently, physically unable to part with this particular undergarment that is worse for the wear?

And the kicker is, a man's outerwear may give nary a clue to what lies beneath. His shirt can be ironed, his trousers professionally cuffed, and his shoes so clean you could practically lick the soles.

But, oh, the underwear. 

And it's not as if a man doesn't have options. I know we women -- wives, girlfriends, heck, even mothers -- are the first to spring for new pairs of underwear as requisite Father's Day and Christmas gifts. And to our dismay, sometimes these new packages of underwear never even see the light of day. They are passed over for the 'ol standbys -- the kind of underwear that a mother warns one should never be caught dead in for fear that that will be the day that we'll be run over by a Mack truck.

I know of what I speak here. I've gained extensive knowledge of this subject over the years, which has mostly come from washing and folding laundry. I'm not going to call anybody out (trust me, I do have names of various offenders), because that would just be wrong. But the general consensus is that so long as the elastic band is able to hold said underwear up around their waist, then men deem the pair worth keeping.

But in all fairness, I can't very well host an honest discussion about this epidemic without allowing The Other Side to weigh in. So here's The Hub's take:

"It’s all about the ventilation. The holes allow you to breathe and feel free. It’s like a fine automobile: It doesn’t feel right until it’s got some wear and tear on it. So guys, be proud, stay strong, and keep wearing those old reliables. And to the ladies, hands off and keep washing 'em. ”

Um, okay. Whatever.

Look, if someone were to randomly tag me to strip down to my undergarments on any given day, I'm not saying my that my bra and panties would be Victoria's Secret runway ready, either.

But I can tell you this much: At least all of my bits would be covered. I can in no way conceive of wearing a bra that is so riddled with holes that the twins would slip through two of them and hang free, thereby making my bra resemble a wearable sling-shot.

The same can't be said for men.

I've come to find that the process of underwear disintegration is a gradual one. But, regardless of the man, it remains the same. It starts innocently enough with one or two holes near the crotch, and then spreads wildly -- no, violently -- like a bad case of psoriasis.

Here is the process in photos:
Exhibit A.: After months and months of wear, tiny holes begin to emerge in the nether regions of the undergarment.


Exhibit B.: With continued wear, of course, the holes have no choice but to grow even larger.



Exhibit C.: And this is where the wheels begin to fall off. As you can see in the photo above, the holes have widened, and it is all downhill from here...


Exhibit D.: And this is where the bottom falls out -- both literally and figuratively. A note to men everywhere: When your underwear's holes grow large enough to accommodate a second pair of quadriceps, then you might want to consider retiring said pair and buying anew.

(And for the record, the underwear in this post does not belong to Scott. But I can neither confirm nor deny the source of these photos.)

I am issuing a challenge to women everywhere: Let's spare our men the embarrassment, and conduct a mass purging of these pitiful artifacts. When the coast is clear, let's rise up, raid our man's dresser drawers, and put these shreds of material in their rightful place:

In the trash.


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27 comments:

  1. OMG this is so, so true!!!! I seriously just throw them out. Period. If I'm doing the laundry and I come across the BIG holes - they are in the trash. Most of the time my husband doesn't even notice. Crazy!!

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    Replies
    1. Allie, I hear you. Boy, do I hear you. Listen, I throw the big-holed ones away, too. But guess what? He NOTICES when I do!!! It's like he's got Underwear Low-Jack. (smh)

      Thank you for weighing in on this controversial topic. lol

      xo

      Delete
  2. Now that is some serious wear-age! Why not just go commando?! I would be tempted to sew them all together and make a flag out of them! Captain Underpants would not approve. Your wobble bits must be covered!

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    Replies
    1. Susie, I just shared your comment with Scott, and he said most men would prefer to go commando anyhow --- that's the "feeling" they are going for! Again, smh...

      I agree: Wobble Bits should be covered!

      What does Steve say about this?

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    2. Courtney, Steve must be an anomaly as he likes a little support in that area. He has never been a boxer man for that reason. This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer is trying to wear boxer to help his sperm count and ends up going commando. "I'm out there, Jerry and I'm loving every minute of it!"

      xxo

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    3. Hmmmm. Interesting. Tell Steve that I thank him for taking the time to weigh in...

      LOL That Seinfeld episode sounds hilarious -- and admissible as evidence for further research on this issue. ;-)

      Delete
    4. I have found just about everything in life comes down to a Seinfeld episode!

      Delete
  3. " a wearable sling-shot" OK I was crying form laughing. Sadly, as funny as this post is, it is so true. I randomly go through JC's underwear drawer and just throw those suckers out. It's horrible to see holey underwear. I will never understand the male sex. Notice I didn't say men, because my boys love holey underwear too!

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    Replies
    1. Seriously, though, Ida, think about it: A wearable sling-shot is precisely what we'd have on our hands -- 'er top shelf -- if we wore our bras to shreds much like men do to their undies...

      And I'm in lockstep with you regarding the words "male sex": What with Scotty just now turning three, this situation is not going away anytime soon. Sigh.

      I'm seeing eye to eye with you on this one, sister...

      Thank you for commenting.

      xo

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  4. *laugh* Oh this is funny, thank you. The same thing h̶a̶p̶p̶e̶n̶s̶ happened at our house... and a funny thing happened. Underwear in this state just started going missing... a pair or two at a time. Now, I am the laundry folder/put-awayer, but I'm fingering those darn sock-stealer gnomes for this one... I'm pretty sure they were looking to make some custom ventilated circus tents. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The take-away from your comment: "custom ventilated circus tents" would make one hell of a kick-arse hashtag!

      Thank you for YOUR comment, as it made ME laugh!

      xo

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    2. You are more than welcome to make it a hashtag... I didn't even think of that!

      Delete
    3. No! It's your brainchild, so you get the glory. ;-)

      Delete
  5. Oh my gosh!! Too funny. This actually reminds me of a guy I dated who was extremely attractive and always impeccably dressed. He literally said that as long as it covers the necessary parts the holes are fine. I was shocked!! There were so many holes!! I must say my husband does not do this and if he tried to you best believe I'd burn 'em.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HI, Cece, and welcome! See, that's just it. Like I referenced above in the post -- a man's ensemble gives nary a clue about the horror that lies beneath. This discovery has left me dumbfounded, I tell you. When I became aware of this, I was downright stupefied...

      Thank you so very much for visiting and taking the time to comment.

      xo

      Delete
  6. OMG ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! Big Scotty is a trooper for allowing you to show his holey underwear! Mr. M is a boxer wearing guy and once a hole is in them he throws them away. But men have no shame! Time for Scotty to get some new undies, maybe Santa will deliver him a pack. LOL!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Louida! These are not Scott's underwear. Although I am most certainly fighting this holey underwear fight with millions of other women out there, I have more respect for The Hubs than to put his actual underwear on parade for all to see on this blog. ;-)

      (Please see the third to the last paragraph: "(And for the record, the underwear in this post does not belong to Scott. But I can neither confirm nor deny the source of these photos.)"

      But, to answer your question, Santa and I both will be bringing Scott AND Scotty new underwear. A man can never have enough...

      Thanks for commenting.

      xo

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    2. Oops sorry! I've must have not seen that paragraph.

      Delete
  7. My hubby wears out his socks the same way. (But I must admit some of my undies could use repairs, too. *blush*)

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    1. Lexa, don't even get me started on the socks. (That's actually a second blog post.)

      But, like I said above, hey, my undergarments don't rival those of a Victoria's Secret model. Hell, I'l be the first to admit that. But I bet you our worst pieces are absolutely no match for THEIR worst -- and you can take that to the bank! lol

      Thank you for visiting, my friend.

      xo

      Delete
  8. Hilarious!! I am the undie policy always have been. I throw out what I don't like and replace it with things I like lol. Great share.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, my friend! I aim to inform. And entertain. ;-)

      xo

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  9. oh no...those would have been dust rags long ago! Thankfully, my men don't have these in their drawers...lol

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    Replies
    1. You're in the minority, Antionette, you're in the minority...just ask my readers.;-)

      Thanks for visiting and commenting; lol

      xo

      Delete
  10. Hi Courtney - You.did.so.not.go.there.OMG.laughing. Hugs, Holly

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    Replies
    1. I know. I can't believe I did, either. lol

      But, hey, *somebody* had to...right?

      Thank you for visiting -- and commenting!

      xo

      Delete

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