As a general rule, I don't like to write about negative things.
But sometimes rules were made to be broken.
Everyone knows at least one of these people, yet no one likes any of them.
The one who plays the martyr.
"Oh, don't mind me, I'm only dying over here...but I'll be okay," says this person...about their paper cut.
The one who feels that they've cornered the market on pain and suffering.
Like a martyr...but meaner. You're sick as a dog and would love nothing more than to dive under the covers and remain there, but Thing One's diapers aren't gonna change themselves and Thing Two wants a grilled cheese and some goldfish crackers. This person calls in the midst of all this, asks how you're feeling, and when you tell them, they get pissed off at you because they're the ones who are supposed to always have it worse. And they've got no problem reminding you of it.
The one who revels in being an inconsiderate shopper.
You're fifth in line at Walmart, and from the looks of things, you'll be stuck there until 2047. And your kids are getting antsy. And you have to go to the bathroom. And your cell phone battery is running low. Oh, and Thing Two's Nabi Jr. just ran out of juice. It's basically the makings of a perfect storm. And then the guy behind you -- the one with a lone bottle of mouthwash -- asks if he can take cuts. Like, really, pal?
The one who thinks it's always about them.
These are the kinds of people who high-jack the toast at your wedding reception to spread the word that their mate has popped the question or use the peak of your baby shower to announce their own pregnancy. These are also the kinds of people who go on to e-mail you unsolicited school portraits of their children -- even after they've posted them to Facebook. And Instagram.
The one who thinks life -- and everything in it -- is a competition.
This person somehow thinks they've arrived because they have more Facebook friends than you; they've lost their baby weight faster than you; and they'll conveniently remind you that they've sprouted nary a gray hair when you've just plucked a box of Nice 'n Easy off the shelf at CVS.
The one who likes to rain on your proverbial parade.
So you casually mention to this person that you've spent the afternoon baking your son's favorite chocolate chip cookies. Their reply? "I hate chocolate chip cookies." Or you tell them you've found the Audrey Hepburn box set on sale for a steal. Their comeback? "Ugh. Her movies suck." These kinds of people reek of a particular fragrance called Eau de Killjoy.
The one who delights in Internet bullying.
We all know this person...but, actually, we really don't because they prefer to use an alias when they cruise from site to site leaving a bevy of distasteful comments in their wake. This person is also known for writing with conviction about what they claim to know so much about. But here's what they definitely don't know: How to conjugate verbs and how to use spellcheck.
The one who thinks the rules don't apply to them.
These are the kinds of people who should be stripped of their driver's license. I'll just leave it at that.
The one who ignores boundaries.
These folks are kind of like the ones who buck the rules--only worse: They talk about your business like it's theirs (Because they are "so concerned for you," blah, blah, blah). Don't want your personal photos posted on social media? These people don't care; they'll post them anyway. These people also give zero f*cks about giving unsolicited advice on your parenting skills, because they, of course, always know best. These are also the types who turn your phone into an involuntary alarm clock when they text you before the sun comes up--never mind that you're sleeping; they are wide awake and that's all that matters.
Those who attempt control you through technology.
To you, a text message as merely that: a message. But to these people, it's akin to a court summons or a leash to be yanked on a whim. These people expect an immediate reply, and nothing less.
The one who judges everyone -- and everything -- like it's their job.
This person lives to remind you that everything you do in life is wrong, but they've somehow managed to do everything right. Yeah, okay. (Insert eye roll here.)
The one who pretends to care about you.
This person will vow to help you in any way they can. And as soon as you turn your back, they'll help you, all right. Help you right off a cliff.
The one who's only happy for you if...
...they can have exactly what you have. Or better.
