Things you shouldn't say to an auto show model

WARNING: This post mimics how auto show models commiserate with one another after a long, hard day on the auto show floor, and, therefore, is steeped in a heavy brand of sarcasm that is quite unlike what you've become accustomed to reading on this blog. If biting, acerbic humor tends to offend you, please leave now.  

I was an auto show model (Read: narrator and product specialist) from 1998 through 2007. I started my career at Honda and then ended it at Jaguar.

And the auto show industry has changed a lot through the years.

Gone are the days when they'd smear some make-up on us, squeeze our feet into a pair of heels, and throw us on stage next to a car only to stand, wave, and smile.

No.

For some time now, this gig has required lots of studying, hours of training, and then even more studying.

And although it's been many, many years since I last stood on a turntable and pontificated on everything automotive from torque to tinted windows, I still kind of miss it.

Just a teeny, tiny bit.

But I'll tell you what I don't miss: Hearing the eight items on the following list:

1. "Do you drive this car?" 

This question is usually rendered with sexual overtones by a male who looks to be more than twice our age. Auto show models get paid damn good money, yes. (I actually drove a Jaguar X-Type back then.) But c'mon. If I could afford to drive a Jaguar XJR -- the $95,000 one on the turntable -- do you really think I'd be standing here talking to you?

2. "Can I have a car brochure?" (And then snatch 10 of them.)

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but they aren't worth anything. They are made of recycled paper. Not platinum.

3. "Hey, little lady, who can I talk to about this engine?"

To which I would reply with a smile through clenched teeth: "Well, for starters, it's a 4.2-liter supercharged V8 that produces 420 bhp (brake horsepower) at 6,250 rpm and 413 lb-ft of torque at 4,000 rpm. So, it is capable of propelling the coupe version of this vehicle to 60 mph in 4.9 seconds with a top speed of 155 mph. Any more questions, @**hole? I mean, sir?"

4. "I don't like any of these colors. In fact, I don't like anything on display here! C'mon honey, let's go over to Mercedes!" 

This statement is usually uttered with shade by a female who, for some strange reason, feels threatened by an auto show model's presence and is somehow under the delusion that her words hurt our feelings when, in fact, we could care less.

5. "Your feet must be so tired in those heels! I bet you need a pair of slippers."

Not as bad as you need a breath mint.

6. "How 'bout I come back after you get off so I can show you a night on the town?"

How 'bout I call security?

7. "Can you make this turntable go faster?"

I sure can. There's a speed on this sucker called Fly Me to the Moon. Wanna come up here and try it out? But let's make a deal first: You puke, you're cleaning it up All. By. Yourself.

And I've saved the best, I mean, worst, for last. Consider this one a bonus...

8. "Do you come with the car?"

Wow! How creative. Why, I've never heard that line before. Really, pal? Really???  Is that the best you can come up with?

Every day someone is depending on us

I recently underwent a ginormous closet purge.

I have been known to hold onto anything and everything, and among my favorite things to hoard are newspaper clippings.

That's because when I would find something that I thought possessed even a modicum of wisdom, I always knew that there would come a time when I'd need to read those words again...

Here's a clipping I found from the Detroit Free Press; the date of publication is unknown, but  I can tell you that it's so old that the clipping is now a golden brown.

Read the piece below, by then-columnist and former Detroit news anchor Mort Crim.

And then we'll talk:

Somebody today is depending upon you. Think about that. Then think about the people you depend upon.

Some people say our society is built upon law, but I say dependability is the real glue that holds everything together. Without that, society would collapse.

Recently, a plane trying to land in Scotland was forced to circle in a holding pattern for half an hour because the air traffic controller was at lunch. Scotland's rules say a controller can't work more than two hours without a break, so she took one.

And early last summer, a driverless train in Argentina rushed out of control through six stations before a guard managed to bring it to an emergency stop. The driver had stepped off a few miles back to check a faulty door system. The guard, not knowing the driver was gone, closed the doors and the automatic train took off.

It was only as the train came within a few feet of the last station on the line that a guard finally got the thing stopped.

Today's Thought: Most of us don't control airplanes or trains, but we're all responsible for something. And though we can run away from our task, we can't escape our duty.

What do you take from that?

I took this: No job is too big, and no job is too small.

And, yeah, every job matters.

But the person behind the job matters more.

Me.

You.

The receptionist at your doctor's office.

The guy who's responsible for maintaining the football field your kid's team plays on.

The intern who turns the teleprompter for your favorite evening newscaster.

The person working the drive-thru window at Taco Bell.

Remind someone of this whenever he or she uses the word just as an adverb. 

As in, She's just part-time.

Or He's just a mechanic.

Or She's just a dispatcher.

Or She's just a cashier.

Or He's just a dad.

Or, my perennial favorite, She's just a mom.

On any given day at any given time, we could be the person who makes the automatic train take off.

And for that reason alone, we're all important.