December 23, 2022

I Hate Antler Headbands

I'm not usually this negative.

But I'm about to go off for a minute.

To catch you up on what happened, I recently attended my daughter’s school holiday concert. While driving to said concert, I prayed to the heavens that my daughter wouldn’t be standing behind a fellow student who had selfishly decided to adorn his or her head with a freakin’ antler headband.

“I sure hope this concert is reindeer-antler free,” I said matter-of-factly as I pulled our car into a parking space.

You see, this, I believe, was precisely the moment when the universe decided to laugh at me and show me who’s boss.

Cut to my daughter’s class weaving their way onto the concert risers: My daughter was behind the one child wearing reindeer antlers.

Of course she was.

For 45 minutes, I sat zombie-like in a state of quiet frustration as a set of ugly-ass red, fuzzy reindeer antlers obstructed the view of my child’s face.

And for what?

Antler headbands don’t make a child sing better.

Antler headbands don’t make a child look better.

And I’m pretty sure antler headbands aren’t the antidote to stage fright. 

But I’ll tell you what reindeer antler headbands are damn good for: They ruin the concert for the parent—and the child who is unlucky enough to be placed in the headband’s wake.

And when my daughter attempted to find me watching her, she couldn't.

Because, again, reindeer antlers. 

I’m telling you: these things need to be wiped off the face of the earth.

Yeah, I said it. Who gon' check me, boo?

I’ll tell you who needs to be checked: These parents running around here throwing antler headbands on their kid’s head before holiday concerts. That’s who.

I’m calling for an immediate moratorium on the wearing of antler headbands during holiday concerts. 

If we collectively act now, there’s still time to save the fate of forthcoming performances everywhere.

You’re welcome.

© Copyright Courtney Conover, 2022

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